Free COVID Tests Return for Fall 2024: Secure Yours Now!

Ah, the saga of COVID-19 continues, like a melodrama that never quite hits its final note. Just when you thought it was safe to put away your home testing kits—poof!—the U.S. government has decided to bless us with another round of free COVID-19 tests. How generous of them! It’s like getting a free refill on that overly sweet iced tea you wish would just run out.

On Thursday, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Administration for Strategic Preparedness and Response, which I’ll affectionately refer to as ASPR because it’s much easier to say during my fifth cup of coffee, reopened COVIDTests.gov. Yes, folks, this shiny little website allows each U.S. household to order four free COVID tests. Nothing says “I care” like a test kit delivered straight to your door. It’s like the government’s version of a surprise party that you didn’t know you were invited to—but with fewer balloons and fewer people.

Earlier this week, the agency dropped the exciting news that these tests would become available at the “end of September.” In the grand tradition of anticipation, you might feel a little pang of impatience waiting for your goodies to arrive. And if that wasn’t enough, you can also snag these free tests from the U.S. Postal Service’s website. It’s like a buffet of testing options. Just don’t forget to wear your protective gear while perusing the selections.

Since this program burst onto the scene in January 2022, it has distributed a staggering 900 million tests to anxious Americans. That’s right, 900 million! If you were hoping to overhear the next great American novel in the aisles of your local pharmacy, just pop on over to a testing center instead. Trust me, the conversations there are *fascinating*.

Now, let’s talk about how these free tests are like that friend who always shows up on time—able to detect all current COVID variants and valid through the end of 2024! That’s right, folks, a solid two years of peace of mind, or at least as peaceful as a pandemic allows. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) assures us that the virus is currently gallivanting around at high levels across the U.S., so brace yourselves.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get more thrilling, enter a new COVID variant called XEC. It’s like your least favorite cousin showing up at family gatherings—uninvited and yet somehow hard to ignore. This variant is spreading across Europe and has made its way to the U.S. without a formal invitation in sight but is rumored to be quite the spreader.

So, as of September 26, every U.S. household can pop onto COVIDTests.gov and order those four free tests. Can I just say that I love living in a society where ordering tests is easier than finding a parking spot at the local mall? Households can also snag tests via the USPS website, which reassuringly noted that they will be available while supplies last. A touch of urgency—how delightful!

To place your order, one brave soul from each household must be willing to share their name, email, and shipping address. It feels like a mix between ordering pizza and applying for a government grant. The tests will ship for free starting September 30, because who doesn’t love a little excitement in the mail?

If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, people can also check out HRSA health centers, Test to Treat sites, or ICATT locations for low- or no-cost COVID tests in addition to the bounty they receive from the government program. After all, isn’t variety the spice of life?

These free tests are FDA-authorized at-home diagnostic tests, which typically provide results in 30 minutes or less. A fantastic option for those of us who are slightly impatient and definitely not into waiting long for news—good or bad. Depending on which test kit you receive, they often involve swabbing one or both nostrils, which is just a fun reminder that personal space is, apparently, a fleeting concept.

Now, the CDC is kind enough to remind us to read those package inserts thoroughly. Apparently, they’ve got a flair for the dramatic, too, as some tests might sport expiration dates reminiscent of my high school English essays—way too soon! Fortunately, the FDA has extended those dates. I guess we can take comfort in knowing that time is flexible—even in testing.

As for those results? While positive tests are reliable, a negative doesn’t quite give you a clear-cut pass to party like it’s 1999. The CDC recommends having two to three negative antigen tests to truly rule out a COVID